Tired Randomness

I have entirely too much on my brain tonight, and it is keeping me from sleep. So excuse my random ramblings... there really isn't much connection to anything or between murmurings... just attempting to clear my head.

If one more person asks about my thesis, I may scream. I want to finish... I just can't find the motivation at the moment. I'm hoping it's around the next corner...

I hope the Uptowners will excuse my heresy, but I'm falling in like with the world north of 'the bubble.' Seriously... it's just different up there. It's more relaxed, somehow. Far enough away to be able to breathe and be just around the corner from the freedom of the country... while close enough to my fair city to not be homesick for the Dallas skyline and my roots. We'll just have to see...

I have never felt so muddled in my life. Actually, that's not true. Ironically, I am more sure about more things than I think I ever have been. I know I belong at Uptown. I know I belong at the piano. I know that my family means the world to me. I know I have accumulated some of the best friends a person could ever hope to have. I know that I desire a family over a long-term career. I know that God is at work in my life in ways I never would have expected or thought possible. 

But yet, I am muddled. It's like I can see the road signs for the next city on my journey... but the road is doing zig-zags and circles that seem to be heading in the opposite direction. But I'm not driving... 

Be patient with me... I'm still trying to figure this out.

G'night dear ones...

It's Been Too Long...

Lest I be tarred and feathered for being an absolutely terrible blogger, I shall update today. Lots on my mind... so pardon the randomness.

Nothing like a birthday to put your life in perspective. But I'll get to that.

First, some birthday weekend highlights...

- Kobe with the family and my "adopted" sister et hubby
- a cake pasted with a picture of me at age 5
- Pit with the "old school" friends.. "one? one? one? ONE?!?!?!"
- Cake. Chocolate. With beer in it. 'Nuff said.
- Happy Birthday in G, rock band style
- Apples to Apples served with burgers in McKinney, kickin' it CG-style
- Godspeed, Private Shaver...
- Skirts made out of pillowcases...
- Sweet potato fries, Shiner, and an incredibly mild June evening with 20 of my wonderful church family.
- 24 text messages in 6 hours.

Seriously, y'all. Thanks for an incredible weekend. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends!

With the event of my birthday coupled with a few other miscellaneous events in the past week, I've come into contact with quite a few people who I haven't talked to in a while. The direction of such conversations inevitably leads to "what are you doing these days?", "where are you working? are you teaching?", and "how's that thesis coming?" And really, I have few clear answers, although by having to talk it through so many times, I'm coming to some conclusions. The first of many is that I will finish my thesis by next May, or I will likely never finish. The life I thought I wanted when I started this whole process is not even in the same ballpark as the direction I currently see myself heading. I am definitely not career driven, which some probably (or in the case of my professors, definitely) see as a bad thing. But I've realized that what I want out of life has very little to do with what job I have. Yes, I really want marriage and kids, and preferably sooner rather than later. But in the meantime, all I want is a stable job with enough flexibility to be there for my friends and family and enjoy living. Musically, I am happy to be in the band.. and maybe play a wedding or two occasionally. Not to say that I will never use my education... I just feel that it will probably be at a later stage in life. It's really the small things that matter to me these days... having an afternoon to just read a good book and drink coffee, enjoying quality conversation time with my dear ones, spending time in the kitchen up to my elbows in flour/chocolate/dough, sitting a piano and playing until my fingers hurt.. and so on. And now I'm starting to sound like a sappy Hallmark card, so I'll stop while I'm ahead. Just a lot to think about...

Oh, and my Godbrother leaves for Army Basic Training today. If you think about it, please pray for him. He's had a rough time, and he's trying to make the best of his life. I really hope this is a turning point for him.

Until next time...

the light grows brighter...

...the one at the end of the tunnel, that is.

I know, I'm a horrible blogger. It's not that I don't care.. it's just often a choice between sleep and blogging.. and sleep pretty much always wins.

After an absolutely horrid week last week, the weekend had some definite bright spots.. and this week is rapidly drawing to a close as well. With exception of my jazz jury next week, by noon on Friday, I will be FINISHED for the semester. And with class, forever. Only a thesis and a music history exam stand between me and that inordinately expensive piece of paper that will be my SMU diploma. I guess it was worth it? I've learned a lot about myself, for sure, and picked up some practical tools for my musicians toolbox. I've learned a lot about how God speaks and moves in my life through the people in my life. I will say that working full time while trying to get a masters degree is NOT a good idea. Even though I am blessed with an employer that allowed me the flexibility to come and go to class as needed, it definitely took a toll on me. I am looking forward to "just" working.. to have my evenings to do with as I choose.. to be able to keep a clean apartment not strewn with books and large stacks of paper.. to actually have hobbies again! I have so missed cooking and taking pictures and dancing and movies.. and mostly, to be able to focus on those I care about.. my family and friends. I know my attention has been pretty divided these past two years.. trying to keep up with it all. It feels good to pare down the scale a little bit. I know I'm a glutton for punishment, and tend to be super busy all the time.. but at least now I can be busy with things I love, instead of things I love to hate.

So, here's to Friday, and the beginning of the end of this chapter. It's kind of weird to think about it like that, actually. It's been an odd experience, being fully in the "working world" while still lingering in academia.. but I'm glad it's time to move on. I'm more than ready to turn the page and see where God will lead me next.

Happy Wednesday (almost) to you all! The week is half over. And Summer draws near.. (the honeysuckle blooming outside my front door is a testament to that!) so keep smiling!

let that be enough

Sometimes (ok, usually), songs can say it so much better than I. Excuse the melancholy on such a joyous day. I'm just tired of some things and not sure how or if I can change them. Or, ironically, if I want to. Things are a muddle, and I need clarity. Which is also ironic, because I'm pretty sure I wrote the other day just how clear things seemed these days. Funny that. Welcome to my life. So. This is my song tonight. Happy Easter, dear ones. I hope it was a joyful and restful day for all of you.

'Let That Be Enough'

Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy 

And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Blessed Ramblings

If the weather could stay like this until, say, June.. that'd be great. Seriously.

I feel like I'm coming out from a fog.. it's nice to feel alive and clear-headed again. I am blessed in so many ways, and I'm trying not to take any of it for granted.

Work-spring-break was this week. It's been a lovely week of quasi-productivity, rest, picnics, lunches, and lovely strolls around the neighborhood. Well, at least for the second half of the week. We won't mention the Great Flood of Tuesday. Not that I don't love the rain, because I do. I just love them more when I can sit inside and read and drink tea. 

Well, off to wrap up this week and cap it off with Easter. I hope you all have a blessed weekend!

Return to Blogger..

Ahh, good ol' Blogger.. it's been awhile. Like four years, according to these old posts.. and most of them are even older! But xanga is going ad crazy, and I've had trouble with comment hackers, so let's try this, shall we? (and hello, facebookers.. I'd hate to leave you out of the loop, so you get the imported version)

Other than not getting my homework done yet, I've had a nice productive evening. I made progress putting Christmas back in boxes (don't judge me, I've been busy!!), cleaned the kitchen, grabbed groceries from CM (using my wonderful market basket.. look at me being all eco-friendly), made dinner, packed lunch and breakfast for tomorrow, put my fresh flowers that I bought myself (blue hydrangeas.. I heart hydrangeas..),  and put gas in my poor, thirsty Jeep. Yes, I know I haven't finished reading for class tomorrow... but it's not midnight yet, so I still have some time. I do, however, need to pause in order to turn the heat on in the apartment, as it has now dropped to approximately -45 degrees in here... *dramatic pause*  Ok, that's better.  It's funny to me how cold it feels right now, when I can be perfectly comfortable with 30 and rainy (or colder) when I'm in PA or England or somewhere else cold.. I guess it's a mindset. And maybe warmer clothes.

I'm definitely better today than I have been the past few days. Sorry to those of you who had to put up with me.. I'm not sure what brought on that funk, but I seem to be pulling out of it and moving on with life. I hate sounding whiney.. so.. moving on.

I heart jazz. We have two, maybe three concerts this semester... and I'm starting solo transcriptions in my private lessons.. and yay. Should be good. Now if I can just pass my exits and get this thesis written... speaking of, I should get back to my reading. G'night world..

So btw...  I'm working on getting all of xanga and fi.selcouth.com posts moved here.. if only to have my life story in one place so I can remember what life was like two years ago..

So this won't be much for a while..